Yikes!

I need to keep myself in check. I have been a ball of emotion and I am starting to notice anger likes to pop up.

Like on Wednesday I got frustrated really quickly when we were trying to take out the carpet in our living room. To make room for the pellet stove. Not a good thing.  I got angry at Jeff for no reason. Good thing he forgave me when I apologized. It’s time to go back to positive Danielle. Yesterday I am trying to get back to her. It’s hard because I feel mostly nervous for April. Right now she is back at the Mayo Clinic. We keep in touch but still can’t wave the feeling of nervousness for her but I am going to try and be my positive self.

This entry is short because that is all that is going on in my life right now. Hopefully this weekend we work more on our wall.

I am heartbroken.

April and I have been friends for almost twenty years. She knows more about me then my own sister and the same goes for me knowing her. I consider like sister. On Monday I went with her mom and brother-in-law Brandon to Minnesota Mayo Clinic.

Over the years April and I would discuss how bad her mom is to her. When I would hang out with her at her place I would see her mom here and there. But her mom Linda was being overly bitchy. I have never seen her like that before.

I didn’t know that I would go to all of her appointments with her. April has a huge fear of needles so she wanted me to be there for support. So I did and she did great! She didn’t panic or lash out when they would put in the needle. She was so brave and super proud of her.

I was surprised that Linda didn’t want to be in the room while the doctor was telling her things about April’s health. April told everyone I was her sister so I could be with her and it worked I got to be with her through everything.

Mayo Clinic is nice and I have never been there however the scheduling for appointments are so dumb! They schedule everything really close together and some of April’s appointments she had to be in two places at once. We ended up missing a few because of them. And it’s not like going down the hall to get ot the next appointment. Oh no. We had to go up and down floors to get there. It was like running a marathon to get to one place to another. How do they expect sick people to make it to all of their appointments? Also they would schedule an appointment while we were waiting in the waiting room. Not asking if that would work for us. Not everyone can just be there indefinitely. Mayo Clinic’s biggest problem is not communicating with other departments.

One doctor would say ‘well I am not a doctor of that. I am a doctor of this.’ That is fine but be understanding not everyone is there for one thing. Also only a few doctors had compassion about what they were saying to us. I know they must see hundreds of patients but have some softness when delivering bad news to someone.

April had to have an eye biopsy because she has a tumor behind her right eye. The nurses in my opinion were a bit rude. It’s hard for the family to be there anyway why not be kind to them? Again they probably see hundreds of people and patients so we all just become a blur but still.

On Wednesday April and Linda had a huge fight. See Linda will tell you stories about April and likes to complain about money. All the stories she tells about April aren’t true and can be cruel. She likes to weave her own reality to make you believe it. The whole time she complained about money and wasn’t worrying about April’s health.

When we got back to the hotel she told April and I that Brandon and her were going for a drive because she was mad. After they left April is like want to get a cab and explore? Which is funny because I was going to say want to go for a walk and get something to eat? I have never ridden in a cab before. It was fun we went to Olive Garden for lunch. April has never been to Olive Garden. So we did the first of both for us. After lunch we went to Silver Lake park. They had geese that would walk right up to you and there were ducks. Here are some pictures I took.

Also we never told them we left because when we got back they were still gone. We just told them we had delivery that is why there was left overs. The fight continued when Linda got back. It was horrible. Here April is trying to figure out what is wrong with her and Linda is calling her names and telling her she doesn’t have the money to come out here all the time. In my opinion you love someone you figure it out. And this is April’s mom her mom! It’s sad that Linda only thinks of the money and not her daughter.

Thursday September 22, 2016 was the worst day of my life. It was the day of April’s eye biopsy so April was passed out on whatever they gave her for that. Remember what I said about compassion? Yeah this doctor just said April has Thyroid cancer with no remorse or feelings. I was super sad and cried all the way home. I was the one that had to tell April that she has cancer and she didn’t cry about it. I told her she has to get treatment at Mayo no matter what. She agreed I think she was in shock more then anything.

Why cancer?!

Also Brandon didn’t make it any better. Brandon is a bragger of everything! Also he tells lies as well. He looked me straight in the face and said “You weren’t there last time. April looked right at Linda and said she would jump off the Mayo Clinic building to end it all right now.” Now I know April and she would never say that. She likes life and would never leave her pets that way. Then I was thinking how did she say it? Later when we got home April texted me and said he overheard what Brandon said even though she looked like she was sleeping. She told me he was lying she never said that. I told her yes that didn’t sound like you. Why on Earth would you lie about that?! To make me feel bad? Why? What a horrible thing to lie about.

The doctors said that it can be removed and then she has to have radiation. Which is good and Jeff and April read that Thyroid Cancer has a 97% survival. However I keep thinking of the 3%. I feel so sad. I am trying to be positive that she will be okay. This weighs on me because I want her to be here with me till we are old. We always talk about when we are old and we will have wheelchair races. And be the old women that the younger people can’t stand because we are old. Also April has that tumor behind her eye that made her blind in that eye. What if that is cancer? I hope not.

I don’t know what I would do without April. She is my best friend and my sister. April keeps telling me she will be okay and that we are going to London together. So trying to be positive for her.

All better! I am back to me. No more self doubt or pity. I have the feeling of oh well too bad for them! Feeling now. Sometimes I need to cry and then I feel better. Since I don’t cry all that often it’s got to come out some time. I know this is silly but I cry in the shower. This way no tissue and so what if I have cry face I am in the shower. But wow I do feel better now.

Back to Danielle.

I have been working on the Koko cross stitch and finished it. Soon I will get a good pic of Koko to put with the Koko cross stitch in a frame. I wish there was one of Scotty. Scotty is a mix so that is hard to do. I guess put up a Scotty pic next to Koko.

I love this one because Koko does that. Just stares out of the window.

I started this cat Halloween cross stitch only because I have to wait to do some others for Christmas.  I am not sure if I want to keep this one or give it away. I guess I will wait till I am all done to decide.

For whatever reason I can’t find the pic it came with. The one with the finish cross stitch. Oh well I know I changed all the colors except the black cat.

Here is our wall so far. Oh and blog stay tuned to see what we do to this wall. It’s going to be great!

One more thing today is my mom’s birthday. We are celebrating on Saturday. Fill you in later.

Being human is hard with feelings. Damn you negative feelings.

Lately I have been having self doubt about myself. It all started when my cousin hurt my feelings. I think of my life and wonder why? Why people do not like me for long period of time? Is there something wrong with me?

It sucks because I hate self doubt. I know I am a good person. I am not trying to be self righteous either. I do feel that I give people a chance.

Well I told you that my cousin Alice came to WI. We went to her mother’s for a party for her since she lives in Utah. Usually we make plans to go for lunch or hang out for a little bit but this time she didn’t want too. I know she stayed for a week. Also we are supposed to be pen pals yet I haven’t seen a letter from her in over a month soon to be two. I know she just had a baby yet a week after she was born I got a letter.

Damn….

Is it because I don’t have kids I am not interesting anymore? I asked Jeff if he thinks I am boring. He said who cares what others think and besides we are DIYers we always doing something. Yeah I agree but the problem is I care a little. Why would I have self doubt then?

Just not her I think of Sheryrena how she didn’t want to hang out with me. Thought I made a new friend almost a month ago. I did physical therapy for my arm and the who was helping me was awesome! We had so much in common on the last day I said we should get together sometime. She said yes that would be fun. We are FB friends now and nothing.

This is how it is with me all of my life. And that is why it hurts I think. No matter what stage of life I am in. I meet new people, make a connection, we hang for some time then they leave. You think by now at 33 that I am used to it but no it still hurts.

Also yesterday was Labor Day. All I did was help Jeff with our wall and be in self doubt. Screw this emotion I need to get out of it. I hope soon it will pass.