Life without Scotty is hard. Almost started crying again because we got to take him home. It’s nice to have him back and brings me closure. He came in a tin. Jeff is going to make him a nice box this summer. Then we are going to make a shelf with Scotty and Koko together. They get to be together again, best buds.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about myself. Last year was hard. It was hard on my mental health. I have been doing a lot of reading and watching YouTube videos on hair. Yep hair again. I know right?! What I did last year. Bleach, dye purple and dye red.

I refuse to use Artic Fox again. So I decided to go with IroIro. I got black and purple. Not sure what combination I am going to do. My hair right now is bleach blonde, red, and purple right now but really faded.

What does that have to do with what I have been thinking about? I have been thinking about how much my mom hated me changing my hair. Every time I would see her she would say get a haircut. Why can’t I just be me? I have been having fun changing my hair. But then I have been thinking about my hair and me. I always thought in the past and now that my hair is my identity. When I was younger my hair was a lot longer. I use to use it as a kind of a shield. Since back then and even now I am shy and an introvert. I have spent probably more than half my life looking after it. Well, I have had probably every hairstyle that was popular till I was an adult. I have to tell you long hair is work.

I spend a lot of time on it and researching it. But why? Why do I care what others think of my own hair even my mom? It’s hard to take criticism from her in the past. After bleaching my hair and changing its color. I come to realize I really, really don’t care about her opinion when it comes to me. How I want to look. That’s saying something. I always cared what my mom thought of me. It used to take a toll on me too.

So I am debating on doing something really out of the box for me. This summer I am thinking of cutting off all my hair. That’s right, I am thinking of buzzing off all of my hair. My hair is damaged already. It started to grow out. But I have been thinking of how nice it would be to not have to worry about my hair. I won’t have to comb it which is a pain because of my wavy curly hair. I have to put products in it to make it healthy. I have to wear a shower cap to shower. It takes hours to dry and I have never been one to really style my hair.

I at one point in my life had really short hair and I like it. Then I grew it back out. I may grow it back or I may keep it short. I may even bleach it and try different colors too. What’s the difference it would be a buzz cut. I asked Jeff what he thought. He told me “Do what you want.” Which is great that he truly lets me be me.

Changing my hair since it’s a big part of me helps with not only my self confidence it’s helps my mental health. I have been feeling pretty sad since Scotty passed. It’s been hard to adjust to having Tex being the only one. Even though he has been such a silly dog. He is showing more of his personality. It has been a big life change. It will continue to happen again and again. I hope the next big life change will be a happier one.

Also, I want to add I can tell in 2021 will change me. I have been growing up more in my mental stage. Things that were so important seem not to be anymore. The way I see things are different too. It’s good to grow up. I sometimes think of my past self and think what the hell? It makes me laugh. Even though 2021 here, in the beginning, has been shit. I can only think of what else will 2021 bring. Definitely change. I think in a good way.

What a stressful week!

My older brother, sister, sister’s husband, mom and dad all have Covid. Thanks to my older brother Corey. I was stressing! He texted me and told me he had Covid. Which we saw everyone for my dad’s birthday.

Jeff and I got the rapid test done. Within 10 minutes we got our results. We are both negative. That was a relief. I think Jeff saved him and me. We didn’t really hang out with Corey. We didn’t sit next to him and we ate in the kitchen and not with him. Also, we left early so we could watch the Packer game at home. Good save Jeff!

My mom has it bad though. She doesn’t have to go to the hospital but it’s bad. I hope she will be okay soon. My dad had more like cold systems and seems to be getting better. So you know worried about my mom.

April’s cat had to be put down. Poor Dee. Dee I have known since she was a kitten. I lived with Dee for a few years. I have seen her for many years with my mother-in-law, after she died I told April she had to have this cat as my mother-in-law had many cats.

It was so funny when I go to April’s house Dee would come out for me. Even let me pet her. If anyone else came over she hid. That’s silly. I feel bad for my friend. Losing a fur baby sucks so much.

Which is crazy last week April and I were talking about Darlene’s fur babies. We have Scotty and April had Dee. The last of what we know of Darlene’s fur babies. I was telling her that Scotty is starting to move a lot slower. I think sometimes he is all we have left alive of Darlene. You know like her memory. As April had Dee.

Then this week April tells me on Monday that Dee was walking funny. She took her to the vet and they said she may have had a stroke. They gave her some pills. But then on Tuesday, April called in tears that Dee can’t use her hind legs.

She took Dee to the vet on Tuesday. They ran some tests on her and said she has brain tumor. Also, that she went blind. Which she and I were surprised that she went blind. April said in the morning she was walking around okay and just being herself. In the afternoon is when she went down hill. I felt so bad for April. April had to say goodbye to Dee. It happened really fast.

This week just sucks. But glad to be Covid free at the same time.

So ever have a fb friend dm you to sell things but you haven’t actually talked to them in like over 10 years? Yeah, that seems to be me. I haven’t chatted with this person in like over 10 years and yet seems to think I want to sell things. Obliviously, they don’t know me well I mean I know they don’t but still, really?! She wanted to see if I wanted to sell healthy powders to drink and pills for health. I am sorry I don’t believe in that stuff. I feel like people are going to make up their own minds on that. It’s their bodies and if they want to eat shit or make it healthy then that’s up to that person. We have the internet now and can make up our own minds.

I just hate that. How about hey how’s it going? How’s life etc. I mean really? If I wanted to do any of that I would figure out how to do it.

I have come to the point in my life I just don’t really care about things as I use to. Jeff said when he was my age he started to realize that too. I just really, really do not care. Lol! It’s kind of liberating now. Right now, I am working on not saying sorry all the time. I say it without realizing it. That needs to stop. I only want to say it if I did something wrong.

I had to go to the dermatologist on Wed. I was really trying not to see him this year. But I got two places of skin irritation I couldn’t cure myself on my torso. It has been months trying too. I finally gave up and saw him. I am glad I did. He gave me two creams and I already see a difference. I should have really seen him earlier.

I decided what I want to do to my hair. I am going black purple. I won’t do this till March though. I want to try to get the color I have now to come out more.

I don’t know what I want to do with my hair. The color is fading. Not sure if I really want to bleach it. Because my hair is starting to feel healthy again. I am thinking of black but semi-permanent again. I think it would be neat to see it come out and what comes out. But I really liked my purple hair. Decisions, decisions.

This Sunday is my dad’s birthday. I have to finish his present. I made him the Mandalorian and baby Yoda cross stitches. I have to iron them and put them in their frames yet. My dad will be 66 years old.

I saw the dentist on Wed. We had a long chat and I got my teeth cleaned. Always feels so nice. I decided on getting partial dentures. I only have five teeth on top and no back teeth at all. I really want to get more implants but I just can’t. They are super expensive and our insurance changed. So that means way more out of pocket for us. I am getting that this year and then I can finally eat like a normal person. Been sucky eating since I had my tooth pulled last year. Last chewer in my mouth. Ugh! Also I am glad to have this dentist as my new dentist.

Also one of the dental assistants was like “Oh wow you have been to the dentist a lot! You got so much work done in your mouth.” We laughed I am like yeah. I am not afraid to say this or that when it comes to my teeth. I know them really well. Overall good experience.

So….Cringe! Seriously CRINGE!!!

Why cringe? Well, my mom said something super stupid to me the other day and it made me cringe. Also, it was really insensitive as well. I mean this is one of the stupidest and cringest things I have heard my mom say. And at this point, we all know my mom can say some really stupid things.

Here is the situation. We got an email from the adoption agency for a potential birth mom. I have been keeping my mom in the loop. Also, I know I haven’t really written in here about that. There hasn’t been anything to say about adoption yet. Anyway, after a long discussion between myself and Jeff, we felt this baby wasn’t right for us. Which is perfectly fine. That is one of the things the adoption agent says a lot. You feel this child is not for your family that is perfectly fine and you will know which one is good for your family, etc.

And she didn’t like that answer. Then she said, “Why can’t someone just give you a baby?” Like did you just say that?! REALLY? Was so cringy. First of all these women are making a really tough decision. They are the bravest women to do this for their child.

So hard to let that comment go even though I know she would deny saying it. Then begs the question do I keep telling her when new moms pop up or not…On the other side, she always askes non-stop when I say no nothing. Then she says you should be calling them and keep asking. Which by the way that isn’t how that works. April says I shouldn’t keep my mom in the loop and I agree with that. So I guess not tell her anymore. But then my conscience is saying keep telling her. UGH I hate you brain sometimes. I guess I will make a decision next time.

Let’s see what happened this week….

Saw on FB that my niece Bree now has blue hair. My mom commented on how she likes it. Yet my hair still get bad comments from my mom. Was mad when I saw it. The only reason I can think of that my mom hates my hair other than I have more hair than her. Is Chrissy got Bree’s hair done professionally. Was mad but it faded. Whatever.

My mom wants me and her to go kick sledding. Looks stupid and don’t really want to but will anyways. I have no idea why my mom thinks this would be fun. More on that later when we go do it.

It finally snowed and now it’s officially winter.

Yeah really nothing else going on right now.

So….I dyed my hair with Arctic Fox Wrath and it looks to me to be mermaid hair. Also, some of the pieces on the back of my head won’t take the color. SO….I have red/purple and washed out the purple in my hair. Gonna try again to dye those pieces but have a feeling it won’t take.

I have to decided what I am going to do. I absolutely loved my purple hair. I don’t like my mermaid hair. This the first transformation that I actually don’t like. I thought about it and decided I am going to bleach my hair again but not the roots. What I want to do is keep my natural hair coming in all the way and I know the bottom of my hair is damaged already. If it does fall out, I am actually okay with that. Going to try to keep my hair healthy as possible like doing hair masks and putting the coconut oil in. I also take biotin which really helps my hair. This way I can rock my purple hair again.

This Saturday get to see my parents. They are back from their vacation. They told us that WI is the worst state for not being cleanly which I believe it. We are going to go see the light show like we did last year. This year they have DINOSAURS!!! I freaking love dinosaurs.

Last Friday was an owie day! I was in the office petting Scotty. Of course Tex knew I was petting Scotty and ran from the living room to the office. I was just standing up and Tex ran full force into my leg. I fell down. It was the most pain I have been in a long time. I cried.

Tex felt bad he tried giving me kisses but I was in too much pain! I hurt my knee but what hurt the most is where he headbutted my leg. I have a huge bruise and it hurt to walk for some days. The muscles are all bruised too. It hurts to touch my leg.

For the whole day he was feeling guilty. Wouldn’t come by me and had his tail between his legs all day. I forgave and told him it was okay. I am okay. But for days afterwards he was being gentle around me. Like he was telling me he was sorry.

Now when he runs down the hall and he pumps the breaks to enter a room. He learned. But yeah so much pain for about three days. Now it still hurts to touch but I can walk normally.

Can’t be sad or mad at this face for too long! Look at that cute face! Awe he is a sensitive baby and I love him. Also, he got a new emoji blanket.

Not a whole lot going on. Seems to be a theme I think. I did do this cross stitch for Jeff. I think it’s fun and funny!

This was the fastest I have ever done in my life. I did this for eight hours straight. I know, I am crazy! But I watched a really good Netflix show the Queen’s Gambit.

You know I am working on another cross stitch. It’s the year of the cross stitch.

I am all better. Have no idea why I was sick of. Maybe change in weather? Allergies? That’s all I can think of.

Got two new cross stitch projects I am working on. When finish I will share. Both are for Jeff.

This coming Thursday is Thanksgiving. It’s super different this year. We are staying home and having our own Thanksgiving. We are of course going to watch Train, Planes and Automobiles but this year we are actually watching on Thanksgiving. Usually, we watch it before or after. We decided we are not going to have turkey. We both agreed we only eat it because it’s there. We decided to have meatloaf this year. Lol! Definitely a different Thanksgiving but it’s still will be good.