It’s good to change right?

Lately I feel like I am changing. Like every year I have a birthday but I do not feel older till later in the year. But this feels differently like I feel differently about things in life then I did before. I have no idea how this feeling of change came along but it has.

I feel differently about my family. I have a lot of family issues in my life and it really sucks. I feel that I should be past all this anger and I hate that I have but sometimes it just hard to get past certain people and feelings I have towards them. I am sick of dealing with the same old issues and the tears I have to endure. I am sick of trying to figure out how to get around certain topics that always seem to pop up. I am sick of trying to be someone that I am not. I am really sick of my family judging me for being the person that I am. I just want these family issues to just go away. I want to find the strength to stand up for myself and say what I really want to say but it’s really hard to do that.

So far this year I did tell a person how I felt and it was really hard. Also this certain family member didn’t talk to me for a week which I was okay with because I was so angry at them. In fact these certain family member makes me very angry and sad. But also at the same time they make me happy and make me laugh. And when it’s just me and them alone we always have the best time. It’s very hard to find a balance with them. The incident that happened I think had to happen because I felt like exploding! Unfortunately I feel these feelings will never go away but ever since this happened I feel differently towards this person. And I think that why I feel this change coming along.

Since I am on the internet I rather not say who this person is even though none of family reads my blog anyways.

I have feeling of giving up on certain parts of my family life and I am okay with that. Sucks for those people I am giving up on because they are going to be missing me in the future but this just has to happen. It’s like I have gave them so many chances and they choose not take them. Also when I see them I am not going to pretend that I will see them anytime soon. I hate when they say “we need to get together more” and I am always thinking well I gave you like a million chances to do that you never take them. This year I am just going be like “okay” and move on.

Also on Facebook I am not following these people anymore. I am sick of their posts about all the family things they do and how they gloat about it. It’s sad that I feel so much hate towards parts of family life. I really need to work on this and move past this but it has been my entire life of trying and failing. I feel so differently towards my family issues that I just feel like giving up on those parts even though they make me who I am.

However I do not feel differently about my tiny family meaning just my husband and I. In fact that part of my life is the best part. We have been through so much of my family issues that he has really been my rock through it all. Like when I cry and feel so sad, he gives me the biggest hug and listens to what I have to say. Or when I am so angry all I see red, he listens and finds solutions to the problems. I always feel so much better when he picks me up from those horrible emotions.

I feel differently on the inside. I feel that this change is good and moving me towards the person I am supposed to be. Maybe this change will make me stronger and not the coward that I see in the mirror. I know that since I have been blogging I actually feel stronger to say “Hey this is me and I just don’t care what you think about me.” All that is important is what I think about myself.

I hoping this change will move me to the things I want to get done to myself, so I feel better about myself. Like I want to lose a lot of weight so I feel different. I am not losing weight for anyone else but myself because I want to go and see so many places. Being a bigger person doesn’t let me do those things. I want to get a bunch of tattoos for me. I have a lot of ideas of what I want to get tattooed as well. I want to publish one of my stories; I don’t even care if one person buys it. Just want to say I got a book published would just be so cool.

There are so many things I want to see and do before I die. And with that I guess I really need this big change in my life right now.

I really like listening to hard rock when I am sad or angry; it always makes me feel better about myself. The song I like to listen to when my family is getting on my nerves is 5 Finger Death Punch Bulletproof. This song is so special because no matter what they say or throw at me, I am Bulletproof from their hateful words.