This blog post is going to be different. I thought I would write down what has been brought up many times this week and last week. It was unexpected for me to even talk about but yet here I am talking about it again.
How it started was, I was going through pictures of Jeff’s mom. I tell Jeff he was pretty lucky. Even though he has a half-brother and sister, (like me) when he came along it was like he was the only child. His mom and dad paid attention to him and they were a family of three. Attentive parents. Even when his dad would travel for work he would call every day.
I get a little jealous but I also think it’s great! I wonder how that would feel.
My dad was a workaholic.
I know I have talked about this before. But it just seems extra this time because I see it in other parts of my family. That was one thing I told Jeff even before we got married. Yes, you CAN make more money working somewhere else but if it means you are gone all the time. That isn’t going to work for me. I know that seems like it seems, I guess. But the trauma I had to go through as a kid, I don’t want as an adult.
I have been going through old pics with my family and Jeff’s family. There aren’t a lot of pics of me and my dad. This makes me sad. Dad was gone A LOT in my childhood. I remember feeling resentment for a long, long time.
I remember when we would go on family vacations, work still was the most important than even us. I remember dad would HAVE to make calls to work even on vacation. I hated that! We had to stop here or there for dad to call work. Remember this was before cell phones.
I remember dad being gone for weeks. One time he was gone for 3 months! What was worse was he would forget my birthday. He would miss sporting events which I have stated before I only joined for him! I hated doing sports. It was my way for dad to be in my life and be there for me. It didn’t work. He would miss piano concerts which were nerve-wracking for me to do because I am so introverted.
The worst moment is when I thought of all those gifts throughout my life, my dad picked out for me. Mom accidentally one time let it slip it was her. That hurt a lot. More than she probably knows.
Now as an adult, I do understand why my dad worked so hard. One him being an absolute workaholic. Two my parents can now afford to go on trips, do things they want that costs money because he worked so hard. For me, though I wish there were more moments, more pictures of us together.
However, I was in my 30’s that I finally forgave him. It was a hard road of feelings to get to that point. I think dad I have a good relationship now.
That is why I told Jeff that yes money is great. You can make enough for what he does. But if it costs you not being with me. I couldn’t handle it. I think moments of being together are more important than the amount of money one can earn. Yes! Money is important but it doesn’t have to take over your life with working too much. Because I have seen what it did to me and how I felt all those years. I see it in Corey’s life. He is a workaholic. I think that is bad. I see in my sister’s life that her husband is gone a lot for work too, traveling. That is something I would never want.
As anyone knows forgiveness is a hard road. It’s a road I have taken many times with many people in my life. This one was one of the hardest because it’s hard to forget. All my childhood is hard. But I did it and forgave and now I have my dad in my life.
With that here is my favorite pic of me and my dad when I was a baby.
