To me!

Today it’s Saint Patrick’s Day but also it’s my birthday! Today I am 32 years old.

When I was younger I hated that my birthday was on Saint Patrick’s Day because of the all the green and mostly all my birthday cakes were decorated in shamrocks and green. My parents thought it was cool to dress me up in green outfits, make me wear green shamrocks pins, those silly headbands with shamrocks on them. It was ridiculous!

When I was teenager and I didn’t mind it so much and started to have fun with it. I dressed myself in green, wore green shamrock socks and pins. Just to be silly!

However the real fun didn’t happen till I turned 21. Having my birthday on Saint Patrick’s Day means free drinks at the bars! Oh hell yeah! I totally took advantage of that. Got totally wasted on my 21sth birthday but it was fun. Also having beer that is green! I love green beer. Green beer is a tradition on Saint Patrick’s Day. All it is, is beer then green dye is added to make it green beer.

Now that I am older I do not do the bar thing. Sometimes I will go to bar but that is rare. Since I am married and my husband loves to cook. I ask for him to cook me a steak for my birthday and I still have green beer. I do the green beer myself. Yums!

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

Happy Birthday to me!

Derp!

Tuesday March 3 2015 I had a brain fizzle. I haven’t had one of those sine the 90’s. What’s a brain fizzle? It’s something I came up with when one day you wake up stupid. There is nothing you can do about it either. I guess it’s a way for your brain tell you that it needs a break.

Need a break from what? Need a break from thinking to damn much! I think about everything and anything also I have been trying hard to write a story that I want to publish eventually. Which requires a lot of thinking plus all the other stuff I got to do.

I forgot how a brain fizzle feels. It doesn’t feel like writers block even though I do have those. This feels like you are so dumb that you can’t even function. Multitasking was so hard to do on Tuesday and I love to multitask. The only time I am not multitasking is when I am reading a book, playing video games or sleeping. Otherwise I am always multitasking. Even when I am being lazy in my own opinion I am multitasking. Brain fizzle doesn’t allow multitasking because you can’t focus on anything. I literally stared in outer space for three minutes on that day before someone texted me. I was like where did that time go and where was I?

Even talking to Jeff was chore because I couldn’t remember anything interesting that had happened during the day. There was no point to Tuesday. I don’t even know why I got out of bed. It was a total waste of time. But then again, it gave my brain to restart.

On Wednesday March 4 2015 I felt better. I guess my brain needed a day off. Good thing it was on a day that didn’t have that much going on. I couldn’t imagine having a brain fizzle day when I had many things to do.

I don’t want to grow up.

I was thinking of two things I had to overcome s to be where I am now. Changing and growing is hard to do.

I much like my mom even though I hate to admit it sometimes. My mom can hold a grudge! You did something to her like twenty years ago she still remembers. It’s crazy! I was the same way. I could hold grudges for a long time as well. Around fourteen or fifteen I decided I wasn’t going to that anymore. It was hard to let go especially when it’s a supposedly a friend hurts you. But now I forgive more and let go. Even though sometimes I slip up and hold a grudge when I know I shouldn’t. But I no longer hold it for years.

This one is a new one for me. Like I have said before my dad was gone a lot when I was younger and that has affected me. When my husband Jeff has to work late for a long period of time or he has to work weekends instead of spending time with me, I get upset. Because it reminds me of my dad working all the time. I know it’s not Jeff’s fault he has to work long hours sometimes. This year I am working on just being fine with it and more understanding. Another thing that is hard to do but I just have to let it go because I know Jeff is not a workaholic like my dad. I know he rather spend time with me then work.

Changing my mind is hard to do sometimes because I have to change my feelings as well.

There are only a few things that are awkward for me to buy in the store. Underwear and beds. Both are guesting games if I am going to like them or not.

Recently we had to buy a bed. It’s so awkward buying a bed because you have to lay down on them in the store with strangers. Well you don’t have to lie down with strangers they are in the store plus the sale person. (Silly!) Anyways it’s awkward because you have try out the bed to see if you like it and beds can be expensive.

I hate lying down in the store to try them out. It’s just very strange lying down in the store with lights on and the sales person asking if you like that one. Sometimes depending on the store they will lower the lights. Still you know they are watching you. Creepy! Plus depends on how you sleep is how you should try the bed. Good thing I am a side sleeper but my husband is a stomach sleeper. That is a bit weird to try out in the store. Also those pillows they have for you lie on are not really great pillows. Also how many people laid there head there?

Can’t really gauge how the bed is going to be when you get it home as well. Because in the store you don’t have your blanket, you are not in your pj’s. It’s just an awkward situation to buy a bed.

When did that happen?

My dad turned 60 on Jan. 24. Wow all ready? I remembered when my dad turned 50 and I was sad because that means he was getting older. I do not like that.

When I was younger my dad and I didn’t have the greatest relationship. My dad was a classic workaholic. He always chose work over family time. Also he traveled a lot for his job. That meant missing birthday’s and anything extra that I was in.

I am not a sports person but to please my dad I signed up for all kinds of sports when I was young, softball, basketball, tennis and soccer. I wasn’t good at any of those. I also played piano and was in ballet. My dad missed a lot of my games, recitals and shows because of work. And I became bitter about it.

Also that meant missing birthdays. My dad couldn’t ever remember my birthday even though it’s the easiest birthday to remember. I was born on Saint Patrick’s Day that is not hard to forget. When I was younger I thought my dad got me the coolest gifts not knowing that my mom would buy the present and slap a tag on saying it was from dad. The coolest gift I got was a lava lamp and I thought it was from him. Till one day my and I had to go get a bulb for it and she said I picked out a good color. It was red. I was like you picked it out? I thought it was from dad? I remember feeling disappointed. Every present after that that said it was from dad I knew it was from mom.

Now that I am older and so is he. Are relationship is a lot better. We have a lot in common and talk about those subjects a lot. It’s fun to hear the stories of when he was growing up and technology is always a funny subject to talk about. And he never forgets my birthday now even though he still can’t remember how old I am. I think that is funny. I love talking with him or just hanging out.

I wish my dad was not getting older but I am glad he is still here. Jeff and I got him this Packer hat for his birthday.

I have no idea where people manners have gone maybe out the window. But I am still mad at my older brother. Last year he and his family weren’t coming to Christmas because last year they went to Texas to celebrate Christmas with his wife’s family. Well to me that means no present for their child from us.

My mom didn’t think so. I gave in and got him some medium size trucks. Actually got a good deal buy one get one for free at Walgreens. Otherwise we would have just got him one. We did see them on Thanksgiving so we gave them his presents there. She did say thanks but that is not what I am mad about.

I am mad because my parents had Christmas with them and I had to hear from my mom that he liked them, he is one. I mad at that! Why didn’t they let us know he liked them? I don’t care if he hated them just pretend he liked them. From what I gather from my mom he loved them. But one of them could of texted, FB messenger me or even called me. But I got nothing!

We went out of our way to get their child, a child I may see once or twice a year a present. We didn’t have too. We didn’t have go and wrap them either. We don’t do the extra Christmas with them. So why in the hell do we have to get him a present when we don’t even see him that often? Or even on Christmas we didn’t see him?

The answer is we didn’t. But we did anyways. Never again! If we don’t see him then no present. If I had a child and they did that for my child. I would have let them know. It’s called MANNERS! So yes I am still mad about it. Next time I see him I am going to let him know too.

Jeff’s sister’s kid is not like that. We hardly ever see her but she calls lets us know that she love the money we sent her, she is nine. Even when she was really little, his sister would call us to thank us. My older sister and brother aren’t like that. I don’t know what happened because I am like that and so is my little brother.

Saying, calling, texting whatever just to say thanks means a lot more than people think about. Would have been nice to for them to say thank you for the gift and that he loved them. I don’t think that is hard to say.

Did you ever hear that saying: Laughing is the best medicine. I find truth in that saying. I laugh every day, yes every day! Unless something really tragic happens then no one is laughing. But part from that I laugh every day. Sometimes a chuckle or a really big laugh where I am crying because it is so funny!

The reason why I laugh so much is because of Jeff, he is so funny and makes me laugh every day. He tells the funniest stories, when he says something wrong and it comes out really funny or he has many funny faces! I thought I was funny but no he is the funniest person, I have ever met. I believe everyone should find someone who makes them laugh without trying really hard at it.

We laugh about the funny things that happen to us either while we were dating or recently. We laugh about stuff that has happen to us when we were kids. We are always laughing about something! I think laughing makes life more fun. We both find the stupidest things funny too. It’s fun to have someone in my life who even finds those things funny.

I even laugh at myself. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you take life too seriously. There will always be time to be serious but not every day. And Jeff does know the difference between being funny and being serious.

In my cover photo the tan dog his name is Scotty. That is my father in law’s dog. The black dog is Koko. He’s our dog. We have had Koko for three years and he is a purebred black Labrador, he also eight years old.

First I am allergic to animals that have fur which is like a lot of them. Here how my symptoms go: itchy, watery eyes, hives then I can’t breathe because I have asthma as well. I hate it because I love animals.

Three years ago I told Jeff I really wanted a dog. So I suggested of getting a Shih Tzu because I had one when I was growing up and bonus not allergic to them because they have hair instead of fur. Jeff’s like no “I want a big dog” because while Jeff was growing up he has a lot dogs mostly German Shepherds and Saint Bernard’s which are both big dogs!

I was like “I don’t know” I really didn’t want a German Shepherd because the one they had when I met Jeff hated me. Really she hated me! So I didn’t really want one of those also HELLO I am allergic to both of those dogs.

We both thought about the pound because there are so many dogs at the pound for adoption and we both knew we really didn’t want a puppy. But the pound is also expensive. That is where my in laws got Scotty. Also I probably want them all!

So we looked on Craglist and that is where I saw him. I am like that’s it, I want him! Just something about his picture I had to see this dog. Jeff’s like “you will be allergic to him” and I was like “I don’t care we have to see this dog. “

So on the weekend we went to Green Bay and saw him. He was so hyper! But we just really cute! You know when you get that feeling that “this is right?” I had that feeling like this dog is right for us. I was like yes we will take him. Want to know how much we paid for him? Nothing! He was free! Not like that matters, I would have been gladly paid them for him. But it’s still cool!

And ever since then he has been the perfect dog for us! It was like he was meant to be part of our family. I am glad that my allergies aren’t really bad around him. But sometimes he does make me breakout but I give him a bath and we are good.

Also Koko is on the large size. They say some purebreds labs can be larger than the normal size and that is Koko. So in the end Jeff got what he wanted a large dog. (I like to point that out to him, lol!) Even people that come over just can’t believe how big he is. It’s funny to me because he doesn’t look all that big to me but I see him every day.

Also Koko is very mild dog. At first he was really hyper but that’s the breed. But when he turned seven he started to slow down. I love his personality, he doesn’t bark all that often, he loves children or people in general but he will be defend me if I get scared. Like when one of our landlords came over unannounced and started working in the yard scared me half to death because I wasn’t expecting anybody to be around Koko growled and barked at him.

I do call him my gentle giant because he really is, expect for his tail. That thing is lethal! When he gets excited that tail will whack anything! Have to be careful especially around children because he can knock them down or hurt them even though he doesn’t mean too, he just gets so excited. Also he has knocked down a lot of stuff in our house.

But all in all, he is makes me laugh. He’s does funny things and has many funny faces! He is also very clumsy. He trips over himself a lot! Which is kinda funny to see, but I also read that Labs are clumsy. It’s just funny!

Also Koko parent’s his mom was a yellow lab and his dad was a chocolate lab and he turned out black. It’s cool because in the sunlight you can see the brown show through but on his head you can see gold.

It’s nice because Koko loves Scotty they are best friends. They play together and hang out together. So it’s a good meld.

We love Koko very much and we are so happy he is part of our family!

It’s good to change right?

Lately I feel like I am changing. Like every year I have a birthday but I do not feel older till later in the year. But this feels differently like I feel differently about things in life then I did before. I have no idea how this feeling of change came along but it has.

I feel differently about my family. I have a lot of family issues in my life and it really sucks. I feel that I should be past all this anger and I hate that I have but sometimes it just hard to get past certain people and feelings I have towards them. I am sick of dealing with the same old issues and the tears I have to endure. I am sick of trying to figure out how to get around certain topics that always seem to pop up. I am sick of trying to be someone that I am not. I am really sick of my family judging me for being the person that I am. I just want these family issues to just go away. I want to find the strength to stand up for myself and say what I really want to say but it’s really hard to do that.

So far this year I did tell a person how I felt and it was really hard. Also this certain family member didn’t talk to me for a week which I was okay with because I was so angry at them. In fact these certain family member makes me very angry and sad. But also at the same time they make me happy and make me laugh. And when it’s just me and them alone we always have the best time. It’s very hard to find a balance with them. The incident that happened I think had to happen because I felt like exploding! Unfortunately I feel these feelings will never go away but ever since this happened I feel differently towards this person. And I think that why I feel this change coming along.

Since I am on the internet I rather not say who this person is even though none of family reads my blog anyways.

I have feeling of giving up on certain parts of my family life and I am okay with that. Sucks for those people I am giving up on because they are going to be missing me in the future but this just has to happen. It’s like I have gave them so many chances and they choose not take them. Also when I see them I am not going to pretend that I will see them anytime soon. I hate when they say “we need to get together more” and I am always thinking well I gave you like a million chances to do that you never take them. This year I am just going be like “okay” and move on.

Also on Facebook I am not following these people anymore. I am sick of their posts about all the family things they do and how they gloat about it. It’s sad that I feel so much hate towards parts of family life. I really need to work on this and move past this but it has been my entire life of trying and failing. I feel so differently towards my family issues that I just feel like giving up on those parts even though they make me who I am.

However I do not feel differently about my tiny family meaning just my husband and I. In fact that part of my life is the best part. We have been through so much of my family issues that he has really been my rock through it all. Like when I cry and feel so sad, he gives me the biggest hug and listens to what I have to say. Or when I am so angry all I see red, he listens and finds solutions to the problems. I always feel so much better when he picks me up from those horrible emotions.

I feel differently on the inside. I feel that this change is good and moving me towards the person I am supposed to be. Maybe this change will make me stronger and not the coward that I see in the mirror. I know that since I have been blogging I actually feel stronger to say “Hey this is me and I just don’t care what you think about me.” All that is important is what I think about myself.

I hoping this change will move me to the things I want to get done to myself, so I feel better about myself. Like I want to lose a lot of weight so I feel different. I am not losing weight for anyone else but myself because I want to go and see so many places. Being a bigger person doesn’t let me do those things. I want to get a bunch of tattoos for me. I have a lot of ideas of what I want to get tattooed as well. I want to publish one of my stories; I don’t even care if one person buys it. Just want to say I got a book published would just be so cool.

There are so many things I want to see and do before I die. And with that I guess I really need this big change in my life right now.

I really like listening to hard rock when I am sad or angry; it always makes me feel better about myself. The song I like to listen to when my family is getting on my nerves is 5 Finger Death Punch Bulletproof. This song is so special because no matter what they say or throw at me, I am Bulletproof from their hateful words.